PARENT/ADOLESCENT CONFLICT
1. What is it?
It is not unusual for parents and adolescents to clash with resulting conflict. Disagreements and emotional tensions over everyday life, such as completing chores, doing schoolwork and getting along with siblings are normal. From about ages 11-12 years of age onwards, pre-teens become very restless and disorganized. Adolescents begin to become irritable, moody and distrustful of their parents. Rules that they used to happily abide by are now questioned and openly challenged or disobeyed - this is all very typical of the adolescent stage of a child's life.
2. Why might it develop?
Adolescence may be referred to as a transition phase between childhood and adulthood. During this time, your adolescent will experiencing rapid physical growth, hormonal upheaval and other biological changes on the "inside", and begin to interact with and experience the world in different ways on the "outside". During this time, adolescents may begin a process where they pull away from parents and begin to identify more with their peers. Parents often view this change as threatening and feel like they are 'losing' their child. Consequently, they may try to tighten their disciplinary control resulting in conflict and the potential break down of familial relations. This process can be further complicated if there is marital conflict or divorce occurring within the family, adjustment to a step family or family instability or stress through such things as illness, parental inconsistencies with the adolescent etc. These factors may thus further increase the risk of conflict developing.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
If issues with your adolescent are routinely handled poorly over a period of time, normal conflict between adolescents and parents can escalate into open confrontation and in some instances can lead to family breakdown. Remember however that not all conflict is bad. Developmentally, conflict can be a means by which adolescents attempt to establish new parameters around the parent-adolescent relationship. However, if you continue to try to "manage or organize" your child's life they will begin to resent your input as over-parenting or controlling. Conflict may become problematic when the adolescent's anger becomes too frequent, too intense, is long lasting, leads to aggression and disturbs work or relationships.
4. Some tips on how to handle it?
Here are some suggestions on how to deal with parent-adolescent conflict:
- Choose your conflicts carefully - not all battles need to be won!! Be prepared to let less important issues slide.
- Remain calm; don't match your adolescent's level of emotional intensity.
- Be available to your adolescent as a caring consultant rather than a manager.
- Realize that some conflict is inevitable and can be very positive for your adolescent in resolving their own issues and in your relationship with them. This may help to tone down some of the hostility you both feel towards each other.
- Let your adolescent know they can always call you when in trouble, without fear of recrimination.
- Listen to your adolescent, show interest in what they do, do not put them down, encourage them to make their own decisions and help them with this if they ask. Expect them to make mistakes - it is a natural part of learning about life.