Marital/Relationship Issues
1. What is it?
There is no such thing as a 'perfect' relationship. Even couples in happy relationships need to work very hard to sustain their satisfaction. It is completely normal for couples to experience some conflict resulting in arguments. Often however, communication during fights can become hurtful, unfair and damaging. At some stage through an argument, both partners can potentially stop listening and start becoming defensive. Communication breaks down and old patterns of relating to each other are played out without anything being resolved. Consequently, you are probably very aware that your partner is upset but have no clear idea why.
2. Why might it develop?
Couples argue for many reasons. It may be how they are used to saying something of importance to their partner, as this what they learnt when they were growing up in their own family. A partner may feel that their spouse is not acknowledging their view and so becomes emotional, forceful and argumentative in a need to be 'heard'. Or one partner might find it hard to address their own feelings and therefore feels unable to accept or understand or sometimes even listen to their partner's expression of emotion. Whatever the reason, often arguments contain a kernel of truth that is poorly expressed and evidently lost.
3. What is the impact on you and the people around you?
Couples who argue as their main form of communication may eventually start responding to each other in very patterned ways. That is, males tend to physically and emotionally withdraw and females tend to become more demanding and invasive in their communication style. It becomes a demand-withdrawal pattern. In the short term, the couple may become dissatisfied and start to feel very negative about the relationship. Longer-term problems include the development of depression in either or both partners, increased stress and anxiety and increased engagement in poor health behaviours, such as drug and alcohol use. The effect on any children who may be in the relationship can be equally damaging, leading to heightened anxiety, sadness,depression, behaviour problems, and problems at school, to name but a few.
4. Some tips on how to handle it?
Here are some suggestions on how to deal with relationship conflict and poor communication:
- Remember that sometimes the message that your partner is trying to communicate to you is not always the message that is received. Reflect back what you have heard your partner say to make sure you have received the information that they wanted to send.
- Try to acknowledge what your partner is saying even if you don't agree with it. It's very important to know that your thoughts and feelings are valued even if they are not accepted by your partner.
- Make some rules for 'fighting fair', such as no yelling, insults or
anger expressed physically. If any rules are broken use a time out until
calm can be restored.